Okay, i found the cause for "PacketParserUtils﹕ Failed to parse extension packet in Presence packet.": Miranda IM. The status text is causing this i think.
The problem seems to be multiple clients/ressources active at the same tim, some with carbon support, some without.
a custom webclient, miranda, spark, and my app. When my app with carbon support is online, the other clients crash/disconnect when sending messages from itself. the target user dont receive the message, but the carbon copy shows up in my app. the app with carbon support enabled doesnt die. something doesnt work right here.(Server is Openfire 3.9.3)
Another thing is, the roster doesnt work as expected with carbonmanager enabled. the roster is not correct after connecting. everytime a client later on changes presence, the roster entry for this client is ok again. I will investigate what the cause of this is tomorrow.
Thanks for your time so far 
Edit:
According to the smack log, the presence pakets arrive correct at the client.